+ A lack Luster Appel

I guess over my many years of living I accumulated a few friends. At times I doubt them, at time I adore them, and I even have my time where I despise them. All of them have their corks, all have their issues, but I love them, for all of it.

Maybe it is my lack luster that attracts them. With so little talent, and so little charisma, maybe they feel like they can easily tower above me. Which -- they can. All of them are so much greater than me. They all have so much oppertunity. So much -- talent. I have none of that. Why would people that have a life waiting for them in 5-10 years hang around me--a worthless creep? Who knows, but them.


+ Unactive Activist

Just because that is the way it is, me and my friend Kattie (mispelled) are very vocal with our activism. We want to go to demos, we want to do other stuff, we want to tell the world how we feel.

But both of us are procrastinators at the thenth degree. For a month or two we have planed to make an animal rights activism group. Fight P&G, make a Zine, go to protest Bush in D.C., and other such antics.

But we never do anything. Is that because there is nothing to do right now? Or because we are indeed lazy. Who knows. Right now is a wierd time. Maybe someone can point me in the direction of sanity, or at least clear thinking.

+ Sanity and Clear Thinking

How long has it been scince I have actually been able to think about what I want to think about -- not what my mind goes to. I sit up alone at night, crying, and thinking back on my life. I think about my present. And I think about my future. I see nothing. In all threee states of life.

I see a bleack existence full of meaningless talk, meaningless action, and pointless wanderings. Should I just forget about life and live day-to-day, should I look at the big picture and find direction.

I dont know. I've been searching for a long time. A very long time. I can remember a breif time of happiness a few months ago, that is really all that I can think of when reminicing the happy times. Is it so hard to have a good life -- or am I just missing something.

+ Jarrod.

You knew I would have to talk about him.

He was perfect. After years of waiting, years of hating myself for being gay, years of hating society for not accepting my choice, years of horrible hell, I found someone who not only accepted me, but for all my states and purposes loved me.

I guess he didnt really love me. We said it a few time. I ment it. I really did. I still love him. But I dont know if he did. I guess if he loved me he would have stayed with me, so I guess our relashonship was doomed, but still, I loved him.

And now, now he hates me. After a phone conversation with him, where he got mad..............











...............mom is here to pick me up, bbl to rewrite this!!!!!